So he's gone. On vacation. Not for good. Thank God - I still have him. He's what keeps me sane. I'm going crazy without him. All I want is for him to be here so I can hold him and play with his hair and lay with him on the couch watching a movie. I feel so lost without him. Like I'm just going through the motions of life. Hanging out with people, going to church with my mom, doing homework before going to bed. It seems too empty. Maybe that's pathetic. That I can't be without him. But it's just how I feel.

And yet... At the same time I feel like I may need this time a part. I've never been away from him for this long. It's healthy at the same time. We have been fighting a lot lately. But I kind of think that is healthy too. I wish I knew more about relationships. I love talking with people about theirs. All the time comparing. Who made it. Who didn't. What to do. What not to do. It's driving me crazy trying to see if we have what it takes to make it work. I guess the only thing to really do is wait and see. And try my best.

But, man, I love him so much. Can't wait until he gets back.

I've never felt this way before. Always questioning and wondering. If I'm on the right path. If I'm headed in the right direction or on track with others around me. I don't want to compare myself to other people... I'm myself and it's my life. So why is it so hard to look at others and not want what they have? Or wonder if I'm better than them? Or wonder what it would be like to have friends like that. Friends that will call you up. Friends that will listen to you talk. Friends that want to know what's going on in your life.

It's so hard now I think with Facebook. There is everyone's life plastered for the world to see in front of everyone. And we're constantly comparing and figuring out who's prettier than who. Who is going to what parties. Who is having the most fun. And it makes me sick. To constantly judge people by their wall? It's pathetic. No one knows who they really are anymore.

But I know my man. I see him all the time and talk with him and hold him at night. I know him. And that's comforting right now. Especially when I'm second guessing everyone else in my life... Besides my sisters. They will always be who they are. Amazing and confident. Even if they don't think they are. To me they will always be a rock. You need these people in your life. I just wish I had a friend that I could invite over real quick to talk. Or to watch a show. Or to just chill. Nothing's ever enough is it?

That's why you have to be thankful for you have. Love who you spend your time with. I used to hate my friends. But I still hung out with them all the time just because I could. Just because I thought I should. Which I quickly found out they were not true friends. Not really there for me. And didn't actually care. That is why from now on I don't want to have "friends" just so I can say I have a "bff". Just so I can have someone to call when I'm bored. I want to want to call them. And tell them about what just happened. And to know that they care. And care about me. And want to see me for me. Not for themselves. Which is what it feels like lately. Everyone wants friends just to call them that. Just to raise their numbers. No one actually knows them. Or cares...

(Except for themselves)

And that's sad. And it's what keeps me thinking for hours in the car. And what keeps me up at nights like these.

I feel so alone. Snooki was right on the Jersey Shore tonight. You need girl friends. I don't have any right now. I have a boyfriend. And my family. And work and school. But no girl friends. And that is something that feels like an empty spot in your chest. And what is really funny is the girls that say they have their girl friends but no boyfriend and just want to fill that spot inside them with love from a man. And here I am complaining about what they have while they are complaining about what I have. It's crazy how life works. You'll be happy and you'll be sad. Right now I'm just in that sad stage. Where I just feel incredibly lonely. I used to feel this way before my friends. And now I feel like this again. It sucks.

And it just seems like the whole world is measuring success these days by how many friends you have. How many people love you and care about you. That is a good thing, I think. Better than measuring success by money or fame. But at the same time there is this idea of "love" and actually caring about all these "friends" that I don't find completely true. I think a couple good friends that you are actually close with is better than a mutlitude of these flimsy friends that say they love you and like partying with you. When it really comes down to it...? Who knows.

But I'm going to keep going. No matter how sad I am. And I won't smother my boyfriend like some do when they lose their friends or don't have any at all. I'll give him his space. Still... I think sometimes he might think less of me because of it. Like who can't make friends?! It's hard. Sad face. I wish more people had this problem. But it just seems like everyone makes their friends when they are young and then keep them all forever. I moved a lot when I was younger. I don't have that core group of friends that has known each other all their lives. It's sad when I see that. That's why I think I just need to leave and find a new group of people. Because this situation and life isn't finding me any strong friendships. The people I know are flakey and say they are your friend but never make time for you.

I just want friends. I'm a nice person. Is that so hard to ask? Sad face.